bad sauna

I've had quite a few gym firsts in the last couple of weeks. Like, last week I worked out five days out of seven, three of which were to group fitness classes. I'm blown away - first that I did it, and second that I actually kind of enjoyed it.

On the flip side, my body was not in any way prepared for this new workout regime. Which is why Larry (my superfantastic husband) and I went to the gym tonight just to sit in the hot tub and give our muscles a little TLC. And because Larry's a Siroky, which you should know means he's genetically part fish, he also swam a few laps, and wanted to spend some time in the steam room in the locker room on the way out.

I've never done the steam room, so I thought, rather than sit out in the hallway and wait for him, I suppose I just as well try it as well in the ladies' locker room.

Important to note here...there's a reason why I've never ventured anywhere near the steam room. I truly struggle with going outside my comfort zone, and the locker room steam room and showers are way, way outside those boundaries. I'm a homebody, and am perfectly happy in the little bubble that is my world. Which is why this whole gym/working out/interacting with strangers/using the steam room thing is such a big deal for me. But I'm starting to feel pretty confident, so I think, okay, another step outside the zone. (Kind of pathetic, I know, that getting myself into a steam room is this complicated. Future material.)

So Larry and I exit the hot tub and head for our individual locker rooms, and I stroll into the steam room like yeah, I've totally done this before. Which is a little funny because the only other person anywhere near the sauna is a woman sitting outside with some kind of paper mask on her face with her eyes shut, so no one even really sees me going in there.

Anyway, I open the door, and it's a little steamy, and the eucalyptus aroma is actually super relaxing. I think, why on earth haven't I done this sooner? It's lovely. I take a seat on the lower step and take some deep, cleansing breaths.

But then I hear a rumble, and a loud hissing noise rudely interrupts my humid reverie. Suddenly, hot steam is pouring out of a tiny hole in the wall and the hissing won't stop. I'm all alone, and do you know what my gut reaction is?

Pure panic.

Don't ask me why, but I'm instantly transported to a James Bond-esque dilemma, and my adversary has locked the door and is pumping toxic gas into what will ultimately be my chamber of death. The white steam burns my foot - oh no! The poisonous gasses are working their way up! I am completely alone, no one could ever hear me or save me. The end...is near...

I quickly came to my senses. Of course it's just the steam regenerating, and it will turn off in a minute. Right? I kept thinking it was going to stop, but it didn't. It would slow down, and I'd think okay, it's turning off now, and then it would go full blast again and there was so much steam that I couldn't see the door two feet away from me. Can't shake the panic...more steam...it went on, and on, and on...isn't there enough steam in here already?!? Get me out!

So, after maybe three short minutes that felt more like 20, I lost my resolve, and I left. Because even though the hissing steam pump finally stopped, I started to wonder, how long is it safe to stay in this thing? If I pass out, there is no one here to come to my rescue. You can bet I'll be Googling "steam saunas" to get the full low-down in the event I muster up the courage to go back one day. But for tonight? Done.

Because I was drenched in sweat, and I knew I'd still be waiting on Larry, I thought, I suppose I should just get it all over with now and conquer the showers, too. I can just leave my swimsuit on. But oh wait, that's silly; I brought some clean clothes I can put on, so I should shower for real and rinse my suit out. But...crap. If I do that, then I have to face my other big locker room fear.

The tiny towels.

Panic, breathe, panic, breathe. Okay. I can do this. Find my center. Breathe...okay. There aren't too many people here, and the attendant just re-stocked the towels. I'm a big girl. And it can't be worse than the steam room, right? Before the moment of courage passed, I grabbed two of the warm, clean towels, and headed to the showers.

And then, by god, I showered, sans suit, and when I was done I creatively wrapped two towels around my ample booty and bosom, and walked calm, cool and collected out of that shower like, doesn't everyone need two towels? Those things are like dish rags.

Until I see two other tiny ladies, each with one towel wrapped around them, tucked in at the top with room to spare. Gah. Really? How can I get my sassy confidence back, quick?

Who's my rock? Larry. And WWLS (What Would Larry Say)?

Mmm hmm. My rack is bigger than yours.


Mark my words, stupid scary steamy sauna and itty bitty towels, I'll be back.