Wednesday, May 2, 2012

today's horoscope

My horoscope today:

The pressure is on.
So just remember who you are.

I think this is meant to be comforting. Like, take comfort in who you are. Mmm. Today? Not so much.

Because the pressure is, indeed, on. And I am not entirely clear that I know for sure who I am right now.

L and I are in that hairpin curve of life where the huge decision I made to leave my job in December is either going to make us or break us financially. I think we're going to make it. But that doesn't make that curve any less frightening.

I'm also being held up to my promise of writing upon leaving. So. Where are the goods? Many questions from friends and loved ones lately, which I appreciate, because it keeps me real and honest. But then I have to take a really close look and see if I'm really doing what I promised myself I'd do.

And remembering who I am? I chucked who I thought I was (or was trying to be) out the window a few months ago and have been testing the waters with a "new" me, without much luck at settling comfortably into any of them yet.

Stay at home mom. Blogger. Writer. Freelancer. Transcriptionist. Family CEO. Chef. Maid. Tutor. I haven't found that perfect balance. I'm not entirely sure exactly who I am any more - or more precisely, how to juggle all that I want to be. And to be clear - I put this pressure on myself, even though I try not to. L would tell me, leave the dirty socks, have the kids clean the kitchen, just go write. He says some version of this at least 10 times a week. But when I'm right here and it needs hard not to cave.

So often I am driving around and have a conversation with one of my kids or have a great observation that would make a great blog entry, but I'm struggling to make the time to write it down. I've had 5-6 good ideas in the last two weeks alone that I know went unwritten. Because if I don't write it immediately, while I'm feeling passionate about it, then it sounds forced if I try to write it later.

Then there's the laundry. And the kid leaving for Disneyland tomorrow who needs my help to pack and prepare for his first trip away from home. Oh, and I'd better divide up that ground turkey I bought at Sam's Club yesterday and get it in the freezer along with the salmon before it goes bad in the fridge. And did I pay the bills yet? OH YEAH! I have a deadline with the Republic!

To complicate matters, I've spent so much time lately looking at myself, introspectively, thinking about the autobiographical elements I'd want to incorporate into my fictional heroine - should I choose bestselling author over nationally syndicated columnist, hypothetically - that I'm kind of all jumbled up about how I'm feeling about myself on a deeper level. (Let's steer clear of this entirely for now. Dangerous topic.)

Time management, I know, I know. And structure, and balance, and discipline. And ask for help. And don't try to do it all. Blah blah blah, I know, it's just so much harder to actually live it than to just say it. To constantly have doubt and concern nipping at the edges of your consciousness even though you want something so badly. And to have so many distractions that make excellent excuses to keep you from trying and failing.

So, horoscope that's meant to make me feel better, I think I'll pass today.

P.S. Full disclosure, it's an hour and a half later and...rather than do all those things I mentioned above, I went on to Cox OnDemand and watched last night's episode of The Voice. I don't deserve too much sympathy.

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