This post was originally written in July 2011, but I didn't post, for obvious reasons at the time.
If you're reading this right now, you probably ran into it by accident, because I haven't written anything in ages, other than the note about my sister. I think, througout the day, all the time, about things I'd like to write about. But I'm usually at work, where I can't; or in the car, where, well, I can't either.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a co-worker (who, incidentally, I adore and trust and look up to) that left me, for some reason, ready to make a fundamental shift in my career path. Let me be clear, actually...I've been tip-toeing around the edge of the path for months. I've talked about it, thought about it, dreamed about it, and, above all, stressed out about it. All signs, incidentally, that clearly I need to DO something about it. Get off my toes and take a giant leap.
Here's where the struggle has come into play. I have a great job, and was kind of thrust into a leadership position - one that I never aspired to have - under difficult circumstances. Being the team player I am, I stepped up to the challenge, and I've been offered an opportunity to continue climbing the management ladder. Nice, right?
But this is not the career path I wanted; nor is it a path that I truly feel qualified to take. If I really wanted to go this direction, I'd look into, say, and MBA program to help enhance my skill set; read books about it, take some online courses. But at a very basic level...I just don't want to.
I almost feel selfish. And I don't want to let down the people who have put so much faith in me. I feel obligated to push forward; I want so badly to want to grow into this opportunity. There are so many people right now, in this economy, who are desperate for jobs. Qualified beyond belief, but still unable to feed their families. And here I am saying I don't think I want the one I've got. For that reason, I've continued to forge ahead, being brave, sitting through meetings that leave me confused and unsure, trying to muddle my way through things that are sometimes way over my head.
On the flip side, there are aspects of my job that I love, and there are skills I have that make me very good at what I do. I know there is a lot I am capable of learning.
So here's what I think hit me yesterday. Not the fact that I really don't want this position, which I've known, deep down, all along; but that it just might be OKAY that I don't want it. Between the eyes.